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I feel like a burden…

Filed Under (Depression, General, Musing) by Morbid Romantic on 28-11-2006
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I don’t know, I feel sort of like a burden to Lion now.

I know it has to be annoying carting me around all the time, making sure I’m happy. Especially since I think (it sort of seems obvious to me) that he likes that one girl he brings around (whose name I know, but can’t spell for the life of me– so I am refraining so that I won’t spell it wrong since that’s just rude to do to someone). Having to talk to me, carry my things, and pay attention to me is a burden since it takes away time and effort that he could be putting into the girl he likes.

Maybe I should tell him that he’s not obligated to speak to me anymore if I am just a burden on him.

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, really. He should just ask that girl out and ignore me so that he doesn’t have to go through the trouble of speaking to me anymore when there are others he’d much rather speak to.

Because he doesn’t seem that interested in talking to me. I mean, he used to call me every day. Then one day that just stopped completely. It wasn’t a slow trickle, it was a sudden and complete stop. It used to make me feel good to have someone to talk to all the time. Now, I’m just confused as to why he doesn’t want to talk to me.

Like the story of King Solomon says, “this too shall pass” in response to his lamentation, “when I feel satisfied I’m afraid that it won’t last. And when I don’t, I am afraid my sorrow will go on forever.”

I just wish I knew what I did wrong. I already racked my brain, and I can’t some up with any one singular thing that I did wrong. I suppose it’s just me, the general everything about me. Everything about me is wrong and unlikable. I wish it didn’t have to be that way.

Ah wells. I try to accept every facet of life with as little passion as possible. In that way, you never really have to hurt. I consider happiness a good trade off. Happiness is temporary, and I hate it for being that.

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

[...]

The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death’s twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

[...]

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

[...]

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

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Just when…

Filed Under (Depression, General, Musing, Ranting) by Morbid Romantic on 28-11-2006
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I spent all of today feeling invisible. After a while, staring aimlessly into space, you start to wonder if you’re really there, if anyone can see you, if they can hear you… hell, if they even care that you’re there at all. I wondered that many, many times today. “Does it matter that I’m here?” “If I wasn’t here, would anything really change?”

Sadly, I knew the answers to those questions. No, it didn’t matter that I was there. And if I left, no one would really care or notice.

I’m tired of getting up and spending an hour trying to make myself presentable for people who don’t even notice. I’m so frustrated with people that I just want to scream. I’m tired of thoughtless men. I’m tired of writing stupid papers. I’m just tired in every way that there is to be tired. I just want to meet someone who’ll make me feel special again. I feel so unimportant, replaceable, and worthless. There has to be someone out there who’ll change that.

But, something today did make me smile…

I’m on Vain Jayne’s Doll List <— click the link and see… she’s gorgeous, people. That made me smile, which was nice after such a crappy day of feeling absolutely unimportant to everyone around you.

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Modifying expectations, part 53

Filed Under (General) by Morbid Romantic on 28-11-2006
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Yes, I do realize that it’s fairly hopeless by now. I can still have a list, though, right? Even if my ’search’ for a boyfriend is officially over. Over why? I give up. Totally. I give up looking for one. I can’t keep investing my mind into stuff like this. It never works out, wanting something doesn’t get you it, and I should be concentrating on work. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find someone, at least someone who is interested. So, it has to go to the back in favor of work. I’ll just go back to putting all of my mind into my work so that I can be successful. It makes me sad because I’m so, so emotionally lonely. But, I’m willing to accept what fate is not giving me. Really. It’s only with mild bitterness and a little questioning as to why. I mean, what makes ME so undeserving?

Ah well…

Valorie’s List of Guy Qualifications
Revised- November 28, 2006

  • Have hair (But not too long… no shaved or buzz cuts… I don’t like the military look)
  • Clean nails
  • No driving work trucks
  • No liking/watching sports, especially ultimate Frisbee
  • No wearing polo shirts with the collars flipped up
  • Tall(er than me)
  • Thin
  • Non-homophobic
  • Can learn to love or respect my affection for any genre of music that has a synthesizer
  • Capable of sympathetic and compassionate control (meaning- can make up my mind for me)
  • Likes mild S&M
  • Tolerant
  • Likes porn (esp. Japanese)
  • Not chatty or overly talkative
  • Limited foreplay (it’s so boring)
  • Carries things for me (Specifically, my books)
  • Black hair (It doesn’t matter the nationality, just have black hair)
  • Don’t spit in public
  • Open doors for me
  • If I drop something, help me pick it up
  • Treats me special (At least makes an effort to make me feel like *I’m* important… and doesn’t treat other females the same around me.. treating other girls the way I am treated nullifies the act itself)
  • Not fickle (I need a guy who never suddenly acts like he’s not interested… consistency is important)
  • Considerate (I have feelings, too)

Now, let me add that this is not a one sided list. I fully intend to give the same respects as I am given. I’d love nothing more than to meet a guy and get to treat him like he’s the most important person on earth. I know that a lot of my expectations are old remnants of an outdated Medieval Chivalry, but I think men need to bring those Knight standards back. Totally.

Anyway, got to get ready for class. It’s 8:30am. I only got 3 hours of sleep, so I am half dead. But, like I said above, from now on it’s all about work. No more of my mind is going to go into men. If one wants me, they can just come right out and say it… which I doubt will happen since none want me. I won’t worry about it.

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And somewhere, God is laughing and pointing…

Filed Under (General, Ranting, School) by Morbid Romantic on 28-11-2006
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It’s always after midnight when you are printing a big project/paper out that your printer runs out of ink. Always.

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A moment of nostalgia

Filed Under (General, Music, Musing) by Morbid Romantic on 27-11-2006
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I had a moment of nostalgia as I sat in Arby’s while my mother ate. Out of the speakers overhead came the song Wonderwall by Oasis. That song came out for the first time in 1996, ten years ago when I was a Freshman in high school.

Wonderwall Music Video

Oasis was my favorite band in high school.

Some Stats:
Time Seen in Concert: 2
CDs Owned: 100+ (official releases and bootlegs
Calendars Owned: 2 Official
Books About Owned: 10
Videos: 2 (3 if you include a tape of all their music videos)
Posters: 3
Buttons: 2
Patches: 1
Stickers: 2
Tshirts: 3

There’s not a song that comes on that I can’t sing along to, even if I don’t admit it aloud anymore. I still can’t resist that thick, almost illegible, slurred Northern Cockney English accent. Those were the good days of Rock Over London every Saturday.

Okay, I have to get some work done. I’m checking my lesson plans, checking my activities, reviewing a paper, and reading journal articles. I’m kinda tired. Not to mention, I want sex. Sad Valorie. She never gets what she wants.

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I’m proud of myself…

Filed Under (General, Musing, School) by Morbid Romantic on 27-11-2006
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I’m taking a break from reading journal articles (source material for a paper).

I’ve actually gotten done everything but my BIG history paper. All oral presentations, notebooks, etc are all done. Now, it’s just a matter of printing them on the right day. I also did a little bit of a refresher for a small lesson I am going to teach to a class about the Treaty of Versailles, which rests upon knowledge of both WWI and WWII. I wanted to read up so that I’d be prepared for any questions that could be thrown my way. Anyway, I’m proud of myself for getting all of it done, too. It’s far less stressful than procrastination, even if I do get a more equitable sleep schedule when I procrastinate (until the last week when I have to get caught up).

J brought back Shades of Gray finally. After a long, long wait, the board moved and is now open again for us to begin writing, writing, writing. We both made a mutual pact not to laugh at each other for being rusty at the get-go. It’s been a long, long time. I need to reread Blood and Gold so that I can remember what it’s like to think that way.

I can’t disgrace Marius.

My password doesn’t work, though, so Jesse has to fix it for me.

I collected some new hostees, though not all of them have moved their webpages in:
kai.baptism-of-blood.net- Kai of the GazettE
creature.baptism-of-blood.net- Rocky Horror Picture Show
boneyard.baptism-of-blood.net- CSI Gallery
I also moved all of Saitaina’s sites hosted at moricia.com over to my hosting package because Netrillium is turning to shit faster than you can catch. The errors seem to multiply with anything PHP and the support doesn’t do crap. That’s why I switched from them a few months ago to Dreamhost (and I’ll never look back, I tell you). I paid sooo much money for Netrillium and all they ever gave me was 50GIG of bandwidth and constant PHP errors that they could never fix (the problem was on their end, not mine). Dreamhost gives me four times that, so I never run out. With Netrillium, I’d run out a week into the month since some websites are too popular and can go through the 30GIGs I allotted it in a week.

It’s also more than I’ll ever need, which is why I keep hosting people and domains and stuff. It might as well go to some use.

Which reminds me that I need to start that Cemetery photo gallery I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. I have so many pretty pictures sitting in my mailbox. Yeah, that’s my next project. I need to make that gallery and put it online. I just don’t know if I want to put it at baptism-of-blood.net or morbid-romantic.net. Both are fitting. The thing is morbid-romantic.net is for the more personal things and baptism-of-blood.net is for more fandom things. Unfortunately, the Cemetery gallery fits somewhat into both. Ugh. And I think I’ll use Coppermine for it. I’ve used both 4images and that Sourceforge gallery and I just don’t like either as much as I like Coppermine. I’ll install Coppermine and slowly work on customizing it. I’ll take my time.

AH! JOY! I got my ticket to see Dir en grey in the mail yesterday. Finally. It was an indescribable pleasure to pull out the ticket, a concert ticket, with the name DIR EN GREY printed in big block letters. Seriously. It was awesome beyond belief. It’s something I never thought I’d see.

Okay. I’m going to bed now. It’s 3:11am and I need to get SOME sleep. I’m determined to wake up early tomorrow and get back to work on my paper.

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Gay Movies to watch…

Filed Under (General) by Morbid Romantic on 25-11-2006
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Ghey Cimema not to miss, people! The last two are very recent movies. Big Bang Love isn’t out and No Regret came out the 16th. Formula 17 has been out for a while, but I think it deserves to be noticed more.

China (Well, Taiwan, which everyone but the Taiwanese say is in China, anyway)
Formula 17
Official Site

Japan
Big Bang Love, Juvenile A (46-okunen no koi [my translation- 46-billion years of love ... I think...])
Official Site

Korea
No Regret
Official Site

Better than KissJapan.com.

America? Man, watch Brokeback Mountain or Queer As Folk or something. You should KNOW this already. Or, wait, Mambo Italiano. What else? Um… Lilies, Priest… that’s all I can think of offhand unless you’re looking for hardcore porn. If you like Asian men then I would direct you here.

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Conflicts within the Social Studies Curriculum & the American Identity

Filed Under (General, History, Musing, School) by Morbid Romantic on 24-11-2006
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I was in the bath tonight, soaking because I was cold and tired and it feels nice to be submerged in soapy, hot water, reading a new book called Living With the Bomb: American and Japanese Cultural Conflicts in the Nuclear Age by Mark Selden and Laura Elizabeth Hein when a few things suddenly came into light for me. I found my moment of epiphany immensely significant, too, especially given my choice to one day be a Social Studies teacher. As such, I’ll be required (and licensed) to teach World History, US History, Government, Economics, Art History, Sociology, Psychology, and Geography.

Essentially, the bulk of my duty will consist of creating responsible, well rounded, politically aware, patriotic Americans. All one needs to do is pick up a high school history textbook to notice that there is a very obvious and distinct pro-patriotism and American feel to it. We teach that no matter the victim, America is right and America is good.

I came to this when I was reading the aforementioned book and it pointed out a few things about the dropping of the atom bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

1.) Americans are never witness to the actual human devastation of the blast. Our government has made a conscious decision to keep from us the images of suffering so that we can maintain our detached stance on the event. Instead, we see a dehumanized mushroom cloud amidst victor music, amongst propaganda that this was in fact the only way to win the war.

2.) Japan and America has both, in their own politics and versions of history, played themselves up to be the victim of this war while announcing the other the side as the aggressor. America stated to its people that it must drop the bomb in order to stop the war and save American lives (because how do you defeat an enemy whose credo is to fight to the end and never surrender), and was an act of revenge for Pearl Harbor. Japan has ignored its previous aggressions against Manchuria and Korea, giving no attention whatsoever to the fact that the Japanese had not given much thought to the people they were conquering and destroying. That is why in America you see the burning ships of Pearl Harbor and the mushroom cloud and in Japan you see the victims (yes, innocent victims) of radiation enmass while hearing the radio broadcast of the Emperor villifying the US and their bomb.

Is either side wrong? Yes. Both. Both America and Japan is guilty of the same thing, though neither side wants to take the proper responsibility for their guilt.

More importantly, on a wider scope, I realized how history is taught. Rather, it’s something I’ve always know– I’m not naive or inexperienced in the field I am entering. But, now I have the perfect examples of the disparity between what happens, what is perceived, and in turn, what is taught. In the end, you can’t blame the children or the citizens that are turned out because people are taught to see the world a certain way.

I remember reading Tim O’Brian’s ‘The Things that They Carried,’ which was a book written about his experiences in the Vietnam War. Except, this book used the external as a means to express the internal. The most powerful chapter, I think, was called ‘How to Tell a True War Story.’

A true war story is never moral. It does not instruct, nor encourage virtue, nor suggest models of proper human behavior, nor restrain men from doing the things they have always done.

If a story seems moral, do not believe it. If at the end of a war story you feel uplifted, or if you feel that some small bit of rectitude has been salvaged from the larger waste, then you have been made the victim of a very old and terrible lie.

[...]

In a true war story, if there’s a moral at all, it’s like the thread that makes the cloth. You can’t tease it out. You can’t extract the meaning without unraveling the deeper meaning. And in the end, really, there’s nothing much to say about a true war story, except maybe “Oh.” True war stories do not generalize. They do not indulge in abstraction or analysis.

For example: War is hell. As a moral declaration the old truism seems perfectly true, and yet because it abstracts, because it generalizes, I can’t believe it with my stomach. Nothing turns inside.

It comes down to gut instinct. A true war story, if truly told, makes the stomach believe.

[...]

For the common soldier, at least, war has the feel - the spiritual texture - of a great ghostly fog, thick and permanent. There is no clarity. Everything swirls. The old rules are no longer binding, the old truths no longer true. Right spills over into wrong. Order blends into chaos, hate into love, ugliness into beauty, law into anarchy, civility into savagery. The vapors suck you in. You can’t tell where you are, or why you’re there, and the only certainty is absolute ambiguity.

In war you lose your sense of the definite, hence your sense of truth itself, and therefore it’s safe to say that in a true war story nothing is absolutely true.

- read the entire chapter here

In World History books, everything has a European feel to it. In the matters of conflict and comparison, the European way seems to come across as the ‘right’ way. There’s a tendency, too, to favor certain nations like Britain over others like Spain. There’s no hesitation to ’scold’ Cortez for what he did to the Aztecs, but English Colonialism is explained in justification terms. Why? Because we have more in common with the English than the Spanish, who are culturally different from us despite their location on the European continent. Whether this the fault of society, textbook makers, and teachers is an important question. It is deserving of a ‘maybe’ answer. In part, also, I think it’s the tendency of any culture to want to see its own as supreme. This isn’t isolated to America despite all International perceptions of American arrogance.

Back on track, as soon as America is established in the timeline of documented history, World History textbooks lose their lean towards Europeanism and favor Americanism. The change is obvious, I don’t know how people can miss it. Suddenly, the virtuous (and yes, sometimes admittingly wrong but never horrendously so) Europeans are now the villains of freedom and liberty.

There’s always a right and always a wrong. In a world made of up of variety, such distinctions can’t be as cut and dry and clear as they are made out to be. What is right for some is wrong for others, and vice versa. America feels it has nothing to apologize for to Japan for the atom bomb. Britain is not apologetic for the economic burden they insisted Germany be placed under after WWI. Russia feels no guilt for supporting Communist North Korea prior to the WWII surrender of Japan. France ignores its easy capitulation to Hitler.

So, there lies my juxtaposition.

I can teach children to be good and patriotic Americans by maintaining the status quo and teaching the proscribed and accepted version of history, or I can transcend that and give them more meaningful knowledge. Instead of teaching them to be good Americans, I can instead teach them to be good members of a world community that questions, that values, that doubts, and that respects. Isn’t it a far better thing to become worldly rather than Americanly? Sure, children get a good World History class, but that’s not enough. It’s not enough to teach them cultural acceptance. Beyond acceptance, even, towards respect and understanding. Mutual cooperation inspite of differences.

What to do, what to do.

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Pointless Quizzes

Filed Under (General) by Morbid Romantic on 23-11-2006
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Because I SHOULD be writing a paper… or two.


Your Famous Last Words Will Be:


“I dunno, press the button and find out.”

Your Halloween Costume Should Be


A Flying Monkey


You Should Date An Italian!


You love for old fashioned romance, with an old fashioned guy
An Italian guy is the perfect candidate to be your prince charming
If your head doesn’t spin enough, just down another espresso with him
Invest in a motorcycle helmet - and some carb blocker for all that pasta!

You Have Your PhD in Men


You understand men almost better than anyone.
You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.
Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

Guys Like That You’re Sensitive


And not in that “cry at a drop of a hat” sort of way
You just get most guys - even if you’re not trying to
Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets
No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

You Go For Brains!


You want a guy with a big… brain.
And of course it would be nice if he were a total hottie, but you’re not counting on it.
What’s on the inside is what counts for you. (Besides, you can always change the outside later!)

Men See You As Choosy


Men notice you light years before you notice them
You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky
You aren’t looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter
It may take men a while to ask you out, but it’s worth the wait

I swear, my next entry will be smart people stuff. I promise. Totally. :yuck:

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Another useless holiday

Filed Under (General) by Morbid Romantic on 23-11-2006
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Thanksgiving is a veritably useless holiday unless you’re immensely patriotic or an epicure.

Personally, it seems pointless to me. You wake up early, you cook, you get your family together, everyone just sits around watching TV or making idle chit-chat, you eat, everyone sits around watching TV or making idle chit-chat (mostly falling asleep), and then you leave.

It’s eff’in freezing outside. A nor’easter just blew through, so it’s been raining for days… for so long, I think it’s going to be raining forever. I think I took the summer for granted while it was here. Now that it’s gone, I sort of wish that it was warm again. It’s a depressing season, especially because it’s not quite close enough to Christmas to see lights everywhere. The Christmas season just seems to give a bit of happiness to a time that’s cold and dark and frozen.

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