Morbid Romantic

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The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep…
- Robert Frost: Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

I suffer from frequent and extreme sleep paralysis accompanied by hallucinations. I have them in times of high stress or when I’m scared about something. When I reach the worst extreme of unhappiness, I have them. Unfortunately, this is most of the time.

I stayed like that all night long last night.

It wasn’t even like I went to sleep. It was more like someone flipped a switch and I went from awake to hell. I can’t move, not even a finger. I order my body to move, screaming inside of my head, but nothing responds except my eyes. My body isn’t mine anymore, but I’m trapped it in unable to make any motion or make a sound. And then it feels like any second something is going to hurt me, or I’ll close my eyes and open them to find something purely evil there staring back at me.

I’m there, I’m awake, but I’m surrounded by paranoia and weird shapes and voices everywhere. I can see my door, but I don’t want to look because there was something standing there. I always see murmuring hooded figures, tall and bent over. Sometimes there’s breathing, laughing, and faint words like someone is whispering in my ear over and over again. They talk and talk and I can never understand a thing. I understand how scared I am, though, and how desperate I am to be able to move even if just to hide myself under the covers. I’m alone.

I didn’t get any sleep. I just laid there scared for hours and hours– it felt like forever.

And just like someone flipped the switch again, I was awake and it was day. When I got out of bed, I was so tired and worn out I almost fell right down when I stood. It was like the world was swaying around me and it felt like I was walking on something that bounced, or something that was breathing. My legs were made of jello. I couldn’t focus my eyes, just sway while I took a few steps forward until I gave up and went back down onto the bed. Finally, I slept for another hour. I felt like I had been up all night fighting and I was exhausted.

I’m miserable. I want someone to help me while there is still something left in me that can be helped. There comes a point when you sink so far down that you can’t get back out. I’m almost there. I always wonder what it is about me that makes me so undeserving of happiness.

I’m desperate for affection. I think I’m going to go insane soon if someone doesn’t just reach over and hug me. I need someone to confirm that I’m here and that I matter, that I’m important. I want someone to touch me so that I don’t feel disgusting and untouchable. There’s a million voices in my head screaming every second everything that’s wrong with me, but being held by someone is like being woken up from a nightmare, like someone finally removes the pillow from your face and you can breath fresh air again. That’s what it feels like in my head. It feels like the inside of my head is clogged and clouded, suffocating.

Sometimes I catch myself staring into mirrors thinking to myself, “I see you just this way, right now, like this. What does everyone else see?”

I try so hard to get people to love me, but they never do. I wonder why.

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